Processing Grief

Warning: this post is me processing and therefore it may come out as random ramblings and may be rather long.

I feel like it’s been so busy and crazy for the last month and a half that I haven’t had time to sit and think and process everything that has happened. I was barely at the beginning of my journey in grieving the loss of my baby girl Ezana when we got the terrible news about Angie’s death. Now I am trying to figure out how to mourn for both of them and it’s hard. People continually ask how we’re doing and I find it so difficult to answer that question. At times, I feel steadfast in my spirit and even though my life has been shaken, I feel like I’m still standing, by the grace of Jesus and His strength carrying me.

But that doesn’t change the fact that my emotions feel all over the place. I’ve had moments of great joy and laughter, many moments of tears, several moments of fear, a few moments of bewilderment, and some moments of numbness and just feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I don’t really know what to feel or how to feel it. How do I process all the thoughts and emotions? How do I capture the things that God is speaking to me and doing in me through this season of hardship? Is it important for me to capture them or is it okay if I simply take them in, in the moment and then let them fade away into the recesses of my lacking memory?

I had actually wanted to talk to my sister-in-law Angie about what she experienced when she had a couple miscarriages of her own, but we never really ended up getting the opportunity for that conversation before she passed away. I wonder now if she has her hands full in heaven with a couple kids of her own, as well as our baby there to welcome her? In some ways, it was actually comforting to think that my baby had an Auntie in heaven with her. It doesn’t really make any sense, but for some reason I think I thought my baby needed someone to take care of her and to love her, though I know that she was being more than abundantly cared for and loved by her heavenly Father already. Just silly thoughts, but I’m sure God understands my aching mommy’s heart and that He doesn’t mind letting Angie love on her – it’s all His love anyway.

It’s still really hard to let go of my baby. Maybe I’ll share sometime soon about the picture that God showed me as I released her to Him. I think that might have only been the first of many times that I’ll need to release her though. I don’t think I’m even ready to begin thinking about the fact that I actually have to let go of all my kids and release and entrust them to God’s care. It’s hard not to think of them as being primarily my kids when they actually were and will always be God’s first. I’m sure all moms experience this pain at some time of wanting to hold onto our kids so tightly and never let them go. Perhaps this is something too that will happen many times during their lives – as they go to school for the first time, as they get their drivers, as they go on their first date, as they move out of the house, as they get married, and the list goes on. Maybe if I can practice letting go now, it’ll be a tiny bit easier at those future stages??

It’s also completely different grieving the loss of someone I never met, never held, never saw, never heard, and just barely knew as a spirit within my womb compared to someone that I had the chance to know for several years and love for who they were. On one hand, I am grieving the countless lost opportunities that I’ll never experience in this lifetime with my baby daughter and I’m feeling the ache of wanting to know what she looks like, what her voice sounds like, what her personality is, who God created her to be? On the other hand, I am grieving the loss of my sister and I know exactly what I’m missing – I remember the laugh that I won’t hear again, I know the generous heart that I’ll miss, I know the sense of humor that brought so much laughter, I recall the warm, strong hug that I won’t feel again. I’m not sure you could say one is worse or better than the other – they are both equally hard.

Yet, how blessed am I to know that they are both in the presence of God! Though my heart aches and feels the pain of their absence, I can feel the joy of knowing that they have unending joy and that they are gazing into the face of the One I love and long to be with more than any other person. In some ways, this ache is famliar. I’ve felt this pain of separation before. I’ve felt this longing for someone I’ve never seen, never touched, never heard His audible voice, never met in person, yet I know Him and I know His heart and I know what I love about Him and I know what I’m missing. That pain and that mourning for my Bridegroom is stronger than all the others.

Some might question how you could love somone so strongly who you’ve never met, but I think any mother knows that feeling – the moment that deep love is sown in your heart when you find out you’re pregnant, long before you meet your baby. Some might even try to tell you that your baby isn’t real, isn’t a person yet, but your heart and the love that’s there, knows different. And if there are those who question God’s existence and the reality of Jesus because He can’t be seen or proven by our five limited senses, let me tell you that the love and longing in my heart is more real than anything my senses could perceive. Though I’ve not seen Him, I love Him and I wait eagerly for His return – for a grand reunion that will cause all the other reunions I look forward to, to be so dim in comparison.

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:29

  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:8-9

Freedom

Mark 5:1-20

Imagine putting yourself in the place of this demon-possessed man. You’re an outcast of society who is feared and hated. You are so tormented by the voices of demons that you are suicidal and the only way to find any measure of relief from their sadistic oppression is to mutilate your body and try to mask the mental, emotional and spiritual pain with physical pain. You are so overcome with sorrow and rage and every manner of wicked and depressing emotion and thought that night and day, unable to find rest or escape, all you can do is weep, wail and cry out. How long have you been suffering? Has it been weeks, months, or even years? You are in such great spiritual bondage, that the people’s attempts to bind you with shackles and chains is laughable – those chains are nothing compared to what locks down your heart.

Now imagine that you see a man in the distance, and due to your heightened awareness of the spiritual realm and the sudden chaos amongst the thousands of demons who inhabit your body, you see something about this man that not many others have been able to recognize. The demonic legion rages frantically in fear about the Son of the Most High God and you have a brief moment of sanity and clarity amongst all the confusion to realize that you MUST see this man and that He is your only hope! You run like you have never run before and fall at His feet in worship. In that moment, all you see is that He is beautiful and worthy of adoration and through this amazing gift of revelation of who He is, you even forget to ask for help, but simply whisper words of love.

Now imagine your surprise when control of your voice is suddenly seized from your power and the demons begin to engage with this man in pleas for mercy. Then with a simple command He instructs them to leave your body and with a jolt of power, you feel every single unclean, filthy, vile and evil thing wretch itself out of your being and you see the black cloud cast themselves into a herd of swine.

You now find yourself sitting at the feet of the man you now know is Jesus. Your nakedness has been covered and the most incredible peace has filled your heart and soul and mind. The look of compassion and love on His face floods your heart and you are consumed with love for this man. You are oblivious to the others who have come and who are pleading with Him to leave until He suddenly turns to go. Now you are the one pleading, but you are begging to go with Him. You have just encountered the love of the very Son of God and your life has been altered is a way so dramatic that it has caused an uproar in your community. You have been freed from demonic slavery and now all you want is to become a bondslave to Jesus and go with Him wherever He goes. When he denies your request, for a moment you are crushed, but then by His grace, you trust Him, for you know the depth of His love for you and you willingly accept His commission to go tell everyone about what He has done for you. In your heart, you still long for His presence and to simply be with Him, but you treasure the experience in your heart, holding onto it, believing that one day you will be with Him again for eternity.

2011

There have been an abundance of New Years posts lately, many detailing their resolutions or outlooks on the upcoming year, so I suppose I will join in as well.    While I wouldn’t say I’ve made any resolutions, I have several new projects or goals that I am wanting to implement this year that I am really excited about!

Prayer & Giving
Joe and I enjoy giving to various causes that we are passionate about, but we realized that we felt somewhat disconnected from the things we were giving to and that it was important to not only give financially, but to also pray for these issues.  So we are starting a prayer meeting with just the 2 of us once a week and we’ll focus on one of these issues per month in a rotation.  This month our focus is praying for the ending of human trafficking (modern-day slavery). 

We had our first prayer meeting last night and used the International House of Prayer‘s free prayer room webstream to help us out – they conveniently have a prayer meeting every Monday evening at 8:00pm for the ending of human trafficking that we could easily join in with and add our prayers to!  While I know that there will be weeks when I don’t feel motivated to get off my butt or where I have other things on my to do list or when I’m so focused on my own wants and needs that I won’t want to intercede for others, I am praying that God will give us the grace and strength to carry through the year. 

Ultimately, our goal and desire is to discover what it means to be priests of God and to minister to Him and others daily, wherever we are – at work, at home, at church, running errands, etc. – because this is who He made us to be and because He is worthy and deserving of our worship.

Bible Study
Joe and I also wanted to incorporate some kind of Bible study into our schedule, so we took advantage of the discounts available through IHOPU’s eSchooland registered for a 4-course non-credit audio bundle, which gives us four of the University’s courses in .mp3 format with all the course notes, which we can go through at our own pace.  We are probably going to start with the course “Christology” taught by Stephen Venable, which has 32 sessions, which we will go through 1 per week – that’s 8 months!!  The course description is:

“Through rigorous exploration of the biblical teaching concerning the person and work of Christ, this course seeks to inform the mind and inflame the heart with love. In view of the coming eschatological delusion, it is imperative that believers be established in the truths regarding the Son of God.”

We’ll probably listen to the teachings individually on our own time and then hopefully spend some time once a week together to discuss what we learned, simply meditate on God’s Word, and maybe spend some time in worship, singing about what we’ve discovered about Jesus!

Bible Reading Plan
I’ve noticed lots of people are getting excited about reading the Word this year and many people are signing up for various Bible reading plans.  Last year I managed to complete reading through the entire Bible in 90 days, but when I finished, I found myself floundering and not knowing what to do next.  Without a plan, I was lacking direction and so I ended up not reading my Bible at all!  When I read about some people who had this crazy plan to read through the New Testament in 30 days every month of this year (#NTx12 for those of you on Twitter), I felt like this was the plan I wanted to get on board with.  I’m excited about this plan because I had actually already been wanting to go deeper in the New Testament and this plan offers you the opportunity to “re-start” every month, in case you fall off the wagon.  Plus, it’s extra fun when you have others doing it along with you – several of my friends are joining in as well and it’s great watching the tweets starting already with people’s thoughts on what they’re discovering.  Most people are taking advantage of YouVersion.comwhich has fabulous resources with many reading plans to choose from – it’s easy to sign up for free and create an account that allows you to start a plan, tag verses with your own custom themes, bookmark your favorite verses, create notes with your private thoughts or share them publicly with the community, and much more!  If you’re on YouVersion – come follow me here!  I personally love using the YouVersion iPhone app, but I also enjoy the Blue Letter Bible iPhone app which allows me to highlight passages with my own custom colored themes (up to 7) and view related commentaries, dictionaries, etc.

365 Photography Project
I’ve always thought it would be fun to do a 365 Photography Project where I take one photo every day for a year and I am wondering if this is the year to try it?  I’m a little late, but I think it would be fun!  I’m a little hesitant because it’s also a big commitment and of all the things I’d like to do, this one would probably be the first to get abandoned, and I don’t really want to start if I’m just going to quit.  If my husband is reading this, he is probably pleading with God right now that I won’t do it, because he is horrified by the number of pictures I take and keep stored on our hard drive already – lol – but I am still very intrigued.  I’m thinking that if I don’t manage to take a picture every single day, that I would probably even be happy if I just took one picture per week, which works out well for one 365 Photography Project planthat gives you ideas/themes to inspire you – one for each week of the year.  The other drawback for me is that all I have are a point-and-shoot camera and my iPhone camera – not exactly professional equipment – so I’d have to do it knowing that my pictures wouldn’t be all that spectacular or come anywhere close to comparing with other photographer’s similar projects.  This week’s theme is “Cold”, which is definitely fitting for the frigid temperatures we are experiencing right now – I wonder what interesting photo I could take today???  If I do this, I’ll also have to choose my medium for sharing my photos – whether to post a blog weekly, monthly, or simply put them up on flickr or some other site – I’ll keep you updated on what I decide to do.

Yikes!!  I’m a little nervous about the amount of things I’m getting into, but mostly I’m just excited about the potential for growth and creativity and being challenged! 

Have you made any resolutions or goals or started any new projects this year?  Do share in the comments and let me know!

Just to Get Him a Drink

¹³ During harvest time, three of the thirty chief men came down to David at the cave of Adullam, while a band of Philistines was encamped in the Valley of Rephaim. ¹⁴ At that time David was in the stronghold, and the Philistine garrison was at Bethlehem. ¹⁵ David longed for water and said, “Oh, that someone would get me a drink of water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem!” ¹⁶ So the three mighty men broke through the Philistine lines, drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David. But he refused to drink it; instead, he poured it out before the LORD. ¹⁷ “Far be it from me, O LORD, to do this!” he said. “Is it not the blood of men who went at the risk of their lives?” And David would not drink it.  Such were the exploits of the three mighty men.  2 Samuel 23:13-17

A few days ago, the Lord spoke to me through this story and began to stir some things up in my heart.  In this story, we read about King David, who had among his armies 30 mighty men, 3 of whom were the greatest of his warriors.  David, in a moment of weariness and longing, expresses his deep thirst.  As a King, he could have commanded, demanded, and forced any of his soldiers to do his bidding and fetch him what he desired.  Yet, all he did was sigh and wish aloud, perhaps not even thinking anyone was listening or expecting that anyone would respond. 

His request for a drink of water wasn’t as simple as it sounds – in fact, it was rather absurd and unreasonable!  He didn’t just want any drink of water – he wanted it from a special well near the gate of Bethlehem – perhaps a place where he had received a refreshing drink at another time when life was simpler and more peaceful.  Instead, he was now in a time of war and struggle with his enemies and this well was behind enemy lines.  It would be no easy task to retrieve this drink!

Yet, I have a feeling that these three mighty men loved David a great deal, and cared for their King and Commander.  I imagine that when they heard that he longed for this drink, all they wanted to do was to be able to fulfill his desire and answer his request to bring him the thing that would give him pleasure.  While they may have considered the cost it would require of them – their time, effort, even their lives - they wouldn’t let that keep them from immediately responding, without hesitation to his smallest wish. 

This is something that I long for in my life, that I would have that same love for my King and Commander, Jesus Christ.  I want to be one who leaps to answer the simplest or most seemingly impossibly large request that comes from His lips.  I want to be one who would do anything, go anywhere, give everything for the sake of bringing Him pleasure and responding to any desire of His heart.  I want to answer His request, without hesitation, no matter the cost to my time, my energy, my reputation, my bank account, or even my life. 

But the story doesn’t end there.  After the three mighty men retrieve this precious drink of water, risking their lives for it, David cannot even receive it from them and pours it out as an offering to God!  I don’t know what they were thinking in that moment – if they were in disbelief, shock, or anger – when it appeared that all of their effort was wasted and for nothing!  Yet, I have a feeling that when the Lord asks me to do something, at times it may very well appear to be just that.  What if He asks me to pray for a sick person and they don’t get better?  What if he asks me to give money to somebody who then squanders it?  What if he asks me to forgive someone who doesn’t appreciate it?  What if he asks me to open my home to someone, only to have them steal from me or take advantage of me?  What if he asks me to open my heart to someone, only to have them hurt me?  Is it all a waste??  Is it all for nothing???

I don’t think so, but even if it is, I still want to say “yes” to this Man, simply because I love Him.  Simply because He’s beautiful and wonderful and deserving of it.  Simply because He’s my King.  He’s worthy of wasting my life on Him!

I wish I was there, but I am so far from it!  Lord, help me to be like David’s mighty men!  Help me to be like the woman of valor that You are looking for! 

What about you?  Have you heard Him whisper a request lately?  Have you heard Him express His longings?  What will your response be?

Valorous

“Who can find a ¹virtuous wife?  For her worth is far above rubies.”  Proverbs 31:10

I, the Lord Jesus, am seeking and searching for a woman of ²valor.  I am looking for a woman with an ³excellent spirit who is pure in heart.  I desire a bride who is ⁴spotless, righteous and courageous.  I long for my wife to be my partner in all things, one who will stand and fight by my side.  Who can find such a woman?  Where can I find this bride of infinite ⁵inner beauty?  Surely her worth and value would far surpass ⁶precious stones, exquisite pearls and rare diamonds.  Such a bride would be a ⁷crown upon her husband’s head.  She would adorn me with great honor and splendor!  Who can find her?  Truly, my Father has promised to find and ⁸prepare a bride for me who even exceeds my desires – she will be everything I have longed for and more!  Indeed, I place such a high value on my bride that I would give up my very life for her sake.  My Father also will ⁹give everything for her and to her, that she may be mine for eternity.  I will find her, I will woo her, I will win her, I will betroth her to myself, and then on the day that my Father decides, I will at last marry her! 

1 Literal translation - a wife of valor; in the sense of all forms of excellence (NKJV note)
2 www.dictionary.com definition of valor – boldness or determination in facing great danger, esp. in battle; heroic courage; bravery
3 Daniel 6:3
4 Ephesians 5:25-27
5 1 Peter 3:4
6 Revelation 21:9-11
7 Proverbs 12:4
8 Revelation 21:2
9 Romans 8:32

Spirit of Adoption

As I have written about before on this blog, I have struggled often with the fear of disappointing God.  In my life, I’ve experienced rejection from people in my life and have listened too long to the lies of the enemy that would try to convince me that God will also reject me.  I have lived under the shame and condemnation of the enemy and thought that my sin and my darkness was too great for Him to embrace and accept me.  But I have grown tired of believing these lies and I finally took deliberate steps to renounce these lies and the spirit of rejection in a time of prayer with my husband last night, which was really good!  While we were praying, my husband read a scripture to me from Psalm 118:21-23…

²¹ I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
       you have become my salvation. 
²² The stone the builders rejected
       has become the capstone;
²³ the LORD has done this,
       and it is marvelous in our eyes.

This scripture is actually prophesying about Jesus, who was rejected by man, only to become the Savior of all mankind.  My husband reminded me that Jesus was rejected by man (see also Isaiah 53:3), so that I wouldn’t need to fear the rejection of man.  On the cross, Jesus was also separated from (in a sense, rejected by) the Father so that I would never have to be separated or rejected by God!  This was a powerful revelation for me, because I have often been afraid that my weaknesses and my sin would keep me from receiving God’s mercy and even eternity with Him – that somehow, my issues would be so great that I would not be granted access to heaven.  What a lie from the pit of hell!!  Jesus suffered the agony of separation from His Father for the very purpose of sparing me from that pain!  I never have to be afraid of being rejected by my Father, for Jesus was rejected for me.

After I bound and commanded the spirit of rejection to leave, I then invited the Spirit of adoption to come fill me, as we are promised in Romans 8:15-17…

¹⁵For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship (adoption). And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. ¹⁷Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ…

As I prayed, this passage came alive to me in a new way, because I realized that with the Spirit of adoption, the Father shows no distinction between His natural children and His adopted children.  He loves me with same love that He loves His beloved Son Jesus!  He does not reserve a lesser love for me, simply because I am adopted – no!  He embraces me and accepts me and adores me and is delighted with me to the same measure as He does with Jesus.  As His adopted child, He even grants me the privilege of sharing in the inheritance of Jesus, to be an equal heir of His Kingdom!  I have received just the tiniest bit of revelation about the love that the Father has for Jesus, and it is enough to overwhelm me that He could love me the same.  Jesus Himself wants and desires this very same thing – He even intercedes to the Father that we would know how the Father loves us even as He has loved His Son (John 17:23).   I will not be made a slave again to fear, for I have received the Spirit of adoption and He testifies with my spirit that I am God’s child!

Dove’s Eyes

When I announced what we were going to name our daughter after we found out we were having a girl, I told you all that Rayah comes from a Hebrew word in the Bible used only in the book of Song of Songs, which is usually translated as “my love” or “my darling” and which literally means “intimate companion”.  We feel like Rayah has a special invitation from the Lord for intimacy and friendship with Himself that we are excited to teach her about!  My favorite verse where it uses this sweet term of endearment is found in Song of Songs 1:15…

“How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves.” (NIV)

“Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove’s eyes.” (NKJV)

Along with our desire for Rayah to experience deep intimacy with her Beloved Bridegroom, it is also our hope that she will have a deep understanding and revelation of her beauty before Him.  My prayer is that she will not have to struggle with issues of self-esteem or insecurity, but that she will be confident knowing that the very Creator of the universe says she is fair, flawless, and captivating to His heart!  In my study of this verse, I have also learned that “when a dove fixes its gaze upon its mate, it is not distracted by any activities around it.  Therefore, it is often referred to as being a ‘love bird.’” (Wade E Taylor) I pray that Rayah, too, will have this singleness of vision that has her eyes fixed upon Jesus at all times. 

Just days before Justice was born, I made him a painting, which I will perhaps share in another blog post, but when it was coming time for Rayah’s arrival, I decided to paint her this picture as an image of her name.

Brain Dump #1

Sometimes I just need to dump out the various things swirling around in my mind and heart, so I now give you my first “Brain Dump” and perhaps it will become the first of many – we’ll see.

His mercies are new every morning
Rayah’s had a lot of gas issues lately and cries A LOT.  This can really wear a person down.  I had my first meltdown of tears yesterday since I became a mommy of two.  I was frustrated by my circumstances, but also feeling like a failure as a mom for all the anger and terrible thoughts I had inside.  Thank God that His mercies are new every morning and that He sees the sincere desires of my heart to be a lover of God and a better mom to my children.  I’m also glad that all the expectations I put on myself to be a “supermom” are not ones that God places on me – His yoke is easy and His burden is light!

Hosting the Holy Spirit
In light of the spiritual awakening happening at the International House of Prayer (check it out here), I have begun to read the book “Hosting the Holy Spirit”, written by twelve different authors including Ché Ahn, Lou Engle, John Arnott, Cindy Jacobs and several other ministers who have been blessed with visitations of the Spirit in their churches.  I really enjoyed the first chapter by John Arnott about valuing the anointing.  I must confess that since I had participated in a spiritual renewal when I was a teenager, that I somehow reached a place where I was taking the anointing and touches of the Spirit for granted and I would sometimes hold back from really entering in because I thought I had moved beyond that stuff.  I thought I would just sit back and observe and let others experience His anointing who perhaps hadn’t experienced it before.  Perhaps I thought I was too mature or didn’t really need it or made other excuses for not entering in.  But I want to value and honor the moving of the Spirit in our midst and have a hunger and desperation and realization of my need for more of Him.  I want to be open to receiving His touch any time, all the time, every time!

More of His Love
Along similar lines, I was watching the webstream of the IHOPU Student Awakening when one of their leaders David Sliker shared his testimony of what the Lord had done in him.  He shared about how he had made peace with his barrenness and become content with not having God’s touch on his heart.  He also shared about how in his attempt to put aside childishness, he had also put aside childlikeness and lost that innocent joy, but how God had restored to him the joy of his salvation.  As I was identifying with his testimony and praying about this, the worship team began to sing a prophetic song about receiving the love of God.  The Lord then began to speak to me about this, since I seem to struggle with asking Him for more of His love.  I’ve had really amazing experiences in the past where I’ve felt the love of my Bridegroom Jesus and my Father God, but I think I was believing a lie that I needed to live off of those experiences and that I should just be grateful for them and not ask for more.  But then I thought about my relationship with my earthly husband and how I need to know and feel his love for me on a daily basis, whether it’s through a word or action or touch, and he does not begrudge me those things and gladly shows me his love every day.  So why would Jesus be any different?  Does He not long to show me His love and want me to ask Him for more?  It’s simply doesn’t seem right for me to not feel the love of my eternal Bridegroom every day.  Not once a week, not once a month, not once a year – I cannot live on yesterday’s experience!  It would seem ridiculous for Joe to say to me that him telling me he loved me once a year was good enough, yet that’s the lie I was believing about God!  The same goes for the love of the Father – it would be terrible if Joe said to our kids that they should be content with feeling his love only every once and a while!  It’s the exact opposite – Joe really loves to show our kids how much he loves them and I believe it to be the same with our Heavenly Father.  So, while I may have known this to some extent already, it was still a new revelation for me and touched my heart in a way that I needed, which was awesome!

The Father’s Love
Along the lines of the Father’s love – lately our son Justice has become very affectionate, always asking for hugs, which is terribly sweet and cute!  But he has also started asking for hugs during mealtime when he is inevitably covered with food.  Of course, our instinct is to say to him that he needs to be cleaned up first before he can have a hug, but doesn’t that sound horrible?  What if God said to us that we needed to get cleaned up before He would show us His love?  What if the prodigal son’s father had made his son have a bath first before he was willing to embrace him?  I’m so glad the Father is not like that!!  Joe was a great father and let Justice give him a hug, getting food all over his own clothing as Justice patted his back.   I was a little more reluctant and cleaned him up first – lol.

Freedom From Self-Hatred
And one more testimony from what God has been doing in me as I’ve been watching the IHOPU Student Awakening webstream.  Last night, a girl was giving her testimony about how God set her free from self-hatred and rage that had come as a result of being molested as a little girl.  Now, they’ve had several ministry times regarding self-hatred in the last couple weeks, but I’ve been reluctant to engage my heart and have had walls up.  But finally, something broke and what she was sharing caused my defenses to fall as I recalled wounds from my own past.  Then Wes Hall, the person who was facilitating the meeting, had a word of knowledge about a wife who had never told her husband about what she was going through and I knew I needed to tell Joe some things and have him pray for me.  So, I shared with Joe about some things that happened when I was a pre-teen and early teen, where I felt violated by a man and objectified by my male peers.  These were things I had never told him and I don’t even know why I had kept them hidden, but it felt really good to get them out in the open.  We then prayed together and I felt the Lord touch my heart with revelation about how He feels about me and I broke off the the bondage of self-hatred and my agreement with the lies of the enemy regarding my appearance and my body.  One of the things the girl sharing her testimony had said that really touched me was when she said that she realized that her body had not been made for man, but for God.  This was totally freeing for me and I felt life in the revelation that my body had been made by God to be a bearer of His image and a vessel for His Spirit and that it doesn’t matter what people might think!  So, I feel like there was a breakthrough and that I received freedom and healing in this area – praise Jesus!

The Deep Things of God

…as it is written:
“No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him”
—but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. (1 Corinthians 2:9-11)

The other day, I was spending some time singing and meditating on this passage and I was struck with the longing to know the deep things of God. As I searched the scripture to find out what else it said about this subject, I discovered that Jesus was one who felt things very deeply.

He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. (Mark 3:5)

He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, “Ephphatha!” (which means, “Be opened!” ). (Mark 7:34)

He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. (Mark 14:33)

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled…Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. (John 11:33, 38)

…And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ… (Ephesians 3:17, 18)

Over the recent years, I have been learning about the emotions of God, but it never occurred to me that God has deep emotions! We have been made in God’s likeness and image and He created us as emotional creatures, yet I’m sure our emotions are just a faint whisper, a mere echo of the emotions that dwell in the heart of God. I have felt joy, sorrow, anger, love and numerous other emotions, yet I do not think I could even begin to comprehend what God feels when He feels joy or sorrow or love!

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? (Romans 11:33-34)

It’s no wonder that Paul prayed in Ephesians that the Holy Spirit would give us power in our inner man to be able to grasp the depths of the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge! It is not possible to conceive the deep things of God unless the Holy Spirit reveals them to us, as it says in the passage from 1 Corinthians, since only the Holy Spirit can search out the depths of God’s heart and mind. We need an outpouring of the Spirit’s wisdom and revelation to take us into His deep emotions and thoughts so that we “may know him better” (Ephesians 1:17).

And while at times I feel that I am so shallow and lacking in spiritual depth, I believe that God has created deep wells within my soul and spirit, ones that even I have not yet discovered or tapped into and it is those deep emotions and thoughts that cry out with longing and desperation to touch the depths of God. As it says in Psalm 42,

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me. (Psalm 42:7)

The deep places in my spirit call out to the deep places in the Spirit of God and as much as terrifies me, I desire to come under the thundering, pounding roar of His waterfalls and waves. My personal experience of joy is as a small drop in comparison to the Niagara Falls of God’s joy and I don’t think I could even handle the full revelation of His emotions, yet I don’t want that to stop me from asking for it!

What does the roar of God’s deep righteous anger sound like? What do the waves of God’s deep love feel like? What do the breakers of God’s deep sorrow feel like? His deep jealousy? His deep joy? His deep compassion? Is it possible to know and experience God’s deep emotions, His deep thoughts? My mind gets completely overwhelmed at just the thought of trying to tap into the depths of God, yet I pray and cry out for it!

The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. (Proverbs 20:5)

Oh, that I would be a woman of understanding and somehow, by the Holy Spirit, be given the gift to be able to draw out the deep waters of God’s heart.

Why Are You Afraid?

I once heard it said that when God asks a question, He isn’t asking for His benefit, but for ours. So when Jesus asks the question, “Why are you afraid?” (Matt. 8:26), He’s asking so that I’ll take a good look at my own heart and examine the reasons why I struggle with fear.

In Matthew 4, when the disciples are caught in a storm with Jesus fast asleep, they question him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” In Max Lucado’s book Fearless, which I just recently read & reviewed, he notes that “They do no ask about Jesus’ strength…knowledge…or his know-how…But rather, they raise doubts about Jesus’ character: ‘Do you not care…’ Fear does this. Fear corrodes our confidence in God’s goodness.” (pg. 9, emphasis mine)

So when Jesus asks me the question, “Why are you afraid?”, one answer is that I don’t always believe that He is good or trust that He actually cares about whatever situation is striking fear in my heart. I forget that the reason He even asks me why I’m afraid is because He truly, sincerely and deeply cares about my fears and wants to help me overcome them! He is not distant and separated from my situation, but He is actually right there in the storm with me and is intimately involved in what is going on. Yet fear causes me to question His goodness and His trustworthiness. I fear that in my imagined tragic scenarios of pain and woe that He won’t be there for me and He won’t do anything to save me from perishing. Worse yet, whenever something negative happens, or even when I imagine one of my fears coming true, I often think that it’s because God needs to punish me for something bad I’ve done.

These fears are completely misplaced and obviously sown by the enemy, but it is still difficult to combat the lies after agreeing with them for so long. Fear is such a battle of the mind and thoughts and as much as I wish I could have victory over fear instantly, I think it will be a process of renewing my mind with the truth about who Jesus is and His character. Even though I know that He can be trusted and He’s not out to punish me and His leadership is perfect and He is a good Shepherd, I still need those truths to impact my heart in a greater way so that the fear that has made it’s home there can be dislodged. I need a greater revelation of His love, care, compassion and tenderness towards me, for “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).

I want to be made perfect in love.

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